A few years ago, before D and I went to Africa. Before we were called to this church in Orange County. While we were still living in San Diego, I was working as a teacher. This thing happened to me, I wanted to have children. Now I’ve heard that it happens to many people. And when I wrote the post below, this was happening to me. But it was not time yet. I know well that there are seasons. God has reminded me so many times that I am not in control, and the more I give my life to God, the less the worry surrounds me. God takes away that fear and anxiety and replaces it with trust and peace. Over and again I take my life back, thinking I should control it, and then I turn back and give it to God. We are in the middle, constantly having to return to God for grace. I have not arrived. But will be in a constant state of coming to God for grace. I wrote the post below when I was only seeing what was directly in front of me, my wants and desires were in the way once again. But it shows how delicate we are. Which means we should always be so careful in how we interact with the hearts around us.
One day (a few years ago), while out to dinner with some friends and some acquaintances, I was asked questions that made me feel very uncomfortable. Starting with, “are you going to have kids?” followed with, “how old are you?” I was half expecting the next comment to be, “well, you’re # years away from thirty-five, so if your kids are going to be more than a few years apart, you better get crackin!” or “you have # years of fertility left, just keep that in mind!” I felt like running into the girl’s bathroom to cry. I felt my heart pounding in my chest. I’m not the best at thinking on my feet. After reflection, I tend to have good comments or questions to share. However, in the moment, if I’m getting worked up, my responses are horrible. All I could say was, “when the time is right” and when asked my age I just said it. I wanted to escape before I was asked about my fertility strength…especially while sitting down for a meal. I took deep breaths, fighting back any facial expressions that would reveal my freaking out. I exhaled and calmed down the longing, only letting my eyes water a little. Thankful to be sitting in such a darkened restaurant. I wanted to say, “yes, we would love to have children!, but why do you ask? I mean, I’ve just met you! What makes you think it’s actually normal to ask me about my reproductive system!?” I would never ever say that second part, but I did think it.
While I was having a conversation with a very loved, respected and close friend of mine, she mentioned that she and her husband were planning to start “trying” to get pregnant, perhaps in the near future. When all I wanted to do was share joy with her, and as the words jumped out of my mouth that it was so exciting and wonderful to be in that place, my heart sank with a rush of sadness and at the same time my desire to have children too was evident. Before I could stop it, my throat tightened, the sides of my mouth were pulled downward to a frown, and tears spilled down my cheeks. My pain was quiet for a moment and then she asked me. I was so flabbergasted at my own reaction and it became so clear that all I wanted was to be a mother. To give my life up, to serve and nurture. Just knowing that, when I give up my life…I come alive. Knowing that when I am selfless and fully focused on loving others is when I distinguish slightly more the presence of God. God wants us to love. To tiptoe away from our humanity just a little. This selfish disposition that we hold. We clutch so tightly to stuff that makes us feel significant, always trying to be the most important, the better one in the room. Who has the coolest stuff, the nicest house, the kindest heart, the best creation. We’re always comparing. Even if in small ways. When I see other people and their joy. I want it.
It comes to this: I want to be a mother. There is a time. A season. If God chooses to bless me and humble me in that way, I will give thanks.
Now, the timing is here. Well, this baby is still in my belly, for another five weeks -give or take. I am needing to turn to God in trust and prayer. To know that she is healthy. That the labor and delivery will be okay. That God will carry us as we become parents. Now that the time is so close. I once again, need to turn to God and rest in the trust and peace that is offered.
What season are you in? Are you in a time where you are trying to control, do you need to give it up to God again?
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:25-34